Six Tips on Saying No

Being willing and able to say no is key to successful time management. If we can't say no, we lose control of our own commitments, becoming overwhelmed and having too little time to spend taking care of ourselves and our own priorities.

Remember that say yes to something you don't want to do, you're also saying no to something else more valuable to you-- you are sacrificing finite resources to someone else's demands instead of choosing mindfully for yourself where you want to invest your time and energy.

But all of us run into situations where we want to say no, but we're scared to actually do it. Here are some tips for handling those situations effectively and with grace:

1. Keep your no simple.

Plan to say no very simply when you need to do it, in a sentence or two. Offer a minimum of explanation, and don't get caught up in too much discussion. While you might sometimes choose to soften the blow with a lot of tact and helpful suggestions, remember that you are not obligated to explain why you can't do something, justify your choice, or help the other person find another way to get what they need. Often the best way is just to say no-- then if pressured, repeat yourself or change the subject.

2. Don't take on someone else's emotions or consequences.

If someone else is in a jam because of their own choices, you are not obligated to help. Everyone bears responsibility for their own choices. Don't let people push you into feeling guilty or taking on obligations that aren't yours.

3. Practice and plan ahead.

If you know ahead of time that you're going to need to say no and you're feeling like you might not be able to do it, practice. Find a partner to role-play the situation with you so that you can practice being on the spot and formulating a variety of ways that you can say what you need to say.

4. Get moral support.

Another tip for saying no when you have time to plan ahead-- find a friend or family member that you know will be supportive, and tell them about the conversation you're planning. Knowing that you committed to the no ahead of time can make it easier to stick to your intentions during a challenging conversation.

5. Don't assume saying no will be a big deal.

Plan for confrontation as a possibility if it helps you feel confident, but try to go into the conversation open to the idea that it might actually go well. Sometimes saying no seems like a far bigger deal to the speaker than to the other person.

It might turn out that the conversation you're dreading will be a total non-event. If you assume the conversation will go badly, that assumption shapes how you speak and carry yourself and can become a self-fullfilling prophecy. Ditto if you try to be confident that it can go well.

6. Stall.

If you feel like you're about to cave in, or if a request comes out of the blue and takes you by surprise, don't say yes-- say that you'll think about it. Then decide in a non-pressured environment exactly how you want to handle the situation and get back to the other person.

How Do You Say No?

Got any more tips to help people say no? Share them in the comments!

Comments

[Iris Arenson-Fuller]

Good post, Thekla. I want to add that saying no sometimes is an important way of taking care of yourself and putting yourself first, which we women often don't do readily. Not only will saying no help you with more efficient time management but with your own self-esteem when you learn to make yourself a priority if this is something you have been neglecting to do.

[Thekla]

Thanks Iris! I totally agree, self-care is really important to prioritize... and sometimes doing it right means saying no. Many people find prioritizing their own needs over someone else's requests, needs or wants very challenging, but it's so important to take care of ourselves too.

[Tara Rodden Robinson]

Hi Thekla,

Great post! A good, committed 'no' beats an uncertain 'yes' any day! One of the hardest things I've had to learn is just to say no without squirming or apologizing. You've got some great advice here!!

Thanks and keep up the great work,
Tara

[Thekla]

Thanks Tara! I agree that saying no and saying it well is hard but worth it.