Six Tips on Saying Yes

Last week I wrote about how to say no. Saying no is important, but being willing to say yes-- and say yes fully and completely-- is just as important. If we don't ever fully say yes, we're holding ourselves away from the world and missing out on all kinds of amazing stuff.

Photo by Jesus Solana

So here below are my tips on how to truly, fully, unambivalently say yes to something:

1. Get the details.

Whatever you are committing to or embracing, ask first for lots of details. This lets you make your yes (or your no) fully informed. Of course, life is always subject to change and surprise so there are no guarantees, but finding out as much as you can from the get-go is still valuable. Ask lots of questions.

2. Find out what resources and help you'll have.

Most big projects are far easier with other people to support you and pitch in, and access to the right resources. Check into what you'll have to work with and who can help before you decide whether you'll do something. Again, asking questions is key!

3. Look at the big picture

Saying yes can be done fully only if you know how the yes relates to what matters to you, and how it fits in with the rest of what you've said yes to already.

Think about your key life roles and your values. How does this fit in? Is it important to you? Does it fill you with delight? Correlate with a long-term plan? Why are you contemplating doing this, and do you think it's a good reason according to your own values?

Know what's already on your plate. If you don't know how this potential new piece fits into the rest of your life, you don't know what you're actually saying yes to because you haven't considered what the full impact will be on everything else.

Be sure to think not only about what you're doing now, but what you'll likely be doing up through the end of your potential new commitment. You can't know for sure, but try to make good educated guesses. The best way to know what's already on your plate is to make sure that your calendar and project lists are complete and up to date.

4. Know when you'll do it.

Think about exactly when you'll have time for this project before you take it on. Sometimes thinking about how specifically you will block out the time on your schedule before you actually agree is a great way to reality-test the commitment before you actually say yes.

5. Consider a trial yes or a tentative yes.

Sometimes absolute yes or no answers are important, but sometimes there is space for flexibility. Instead of agreeing to do something indefinitely on an ongoing basis, consider agreeing to take it on for a month or a year. This kind of time-bounded yes makes it less painless for everyone if you need to renegotiate your involvement down the road. Or, you can agree to do something tentatively.

I have a lot of tentative agreements on my calendar this summer because of the new baby. I've told people in advance that I expect to do something or be available for something, but that I reserve the right to change my mind at the last minute if baby stuff comes up.

Don't overuse this tip; if you make all your commitments tentative ones, people will get frustrated with you because they won't be able to effectively plan for themselves. Sometimes, however, setting this kind of expectation is absolutely appropriate.

6. Listen to your gut and do what you love.

Sometimes you have a sinking misgiving even though everything looks promising on the surface. Sometimes something just lights you up--you know that something is right, or inspiring, or essential, and that you are the one to do it. Check out the details and think about how a commitment will work, but above all listen to your instincts.

Enjoy Saying Yes

Once you've checked out the details and thought through the implications, if you still want to move forward, then hopefully you can now say yes enthusiastically. While you can never know ahead of time what might come up to make things more challenging than you expect, being thoughtful about saying yes makes it easier to enjoy making and keeping your commitments because you made them mindfully.